It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
