What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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