Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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