Need sex. Gaining weight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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