All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
me + whiskey = a bad person
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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