You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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