I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
