put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
