Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
