Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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