My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
