Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
