Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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