My Higher Power is John Stamos
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
