My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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