If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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