M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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