both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
