i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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