I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.