How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
