my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
worst night to have a conscience
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
