Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
