Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
