I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
