If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
