Please, let me fuck your mom
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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