we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
