Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
