We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
