I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother