why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
