I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
