i just wanna soil my oats bro
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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