You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
