i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
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I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's shark week go big or go home
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.