Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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