I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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