That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
