Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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