I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
