he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
