I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
