It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
