I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
