You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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