dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
