you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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