Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
