So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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