I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
