Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
