I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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