I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
