that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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