4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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